Crawling out of a crisis

Had some kind of existential crisis, only had enough energy for work. Started thinking that’s it, I can’t anymore. Lay there, reflected, and figured out what was going on.

Intentional living — that’s when you want something and you do exactly that. Then everything else, the unavoidable stuff, like work, is just water. Just the medium. Yeah, things happen, currents of some kind, you participate in stuff, and it’s all so you can create your own thing on top. Riding the wave.

You can’t afford to get tired. When you’re tired, you don’t want anything, but you have to keep going. And like on a surfboard, you lose speed, momentum, you go under the water of what you have to do. Instead of riding the wave, you’re drowning in it. …And we call this fate. The focus of attention — what we’re actively and deliberately thinking about — should be not on “what’s happening” but on inventing life: “what else can be done.” When you see opportunities in everything, next steps.

And so I went under. Started getting nauseous from the computer. And tasks kept piling up. And I realized that instead of churning over how much I don’t want to, I need to push through it.

Diet played its part too — after Mexico I switched to donuts and ice cream. But whatever, started eating once a day again to clear out both the brain and the body. Just meat, coffee, zero carbs, well, except Red Bull. Bought the gnarliest vitamins at the sports nutrition store. Plus Lion’s Mane and Cordyceps. Going to the gym every morning for training.

And I seem to be coming back to life. Started seeing past my own nose again. Ideas started flowing.